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Rudolph The Insufferable Reindeer

Page history last edited by Capri 5 years, 9 months ago

Gah, Yet another among the zillions of supposed "Stand up to bullies!" empowering screechy re-shares. it's supposed to be a humorous tongue-lashing directed at Santa. Because doing that is just awesome… *Rolling eyes*

Anybody who knows me well enough, also knows I need no coaxing to go after anyone I perceive as a bully. But bullies sometimes come in victim's clothing, too, and former victims sometimes do turn into bullies.

This is among the latter because of the general offish tude, the demands for more attention and misplaced guilt-trip it tries to lay on Santa for something he had no part of, and for the sympathy-grab and "Rah rah!" response it tries to get out of me.

It's a big "Hey, look at me and how I'm so great because I've been through a lot and I survived because I'm me, so your scads of attention is nowhere near good enough, gimme more more more!"

It is originally found here with the title "Ho Rudolph", BY JASON COHEN @ASmartBear ON DECEMBER 23, 2013.

So, keep in mind, I'm not actually giving Mr. Cohen heck, but his portrayal of Rudolph as this really offish turd. I'd give this version of Rudolph the same reception no matter who wrote him this way.

* * *

Santa: Ho Rudolph — fog is thick tonight.

Can you ride point?

For the children.

Whiny Rudolph: Ho Santa,

Oh damn,

Capri: Ahem, the language. It doesn't work here and makes you look really offish. And that's just for openers.

Whiny Rudolph: it’s going to be like that.

Capri: Dude-olph, the real Rudolph wouldn't act like that. Since when is it cool to confuse Rudolph with the Grinch?

Whiny Rudolph: All those years of name-calling, ostracized, excluded,

Capri: Yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah, everybody get out your crying towels and let's cue that sappy violin music, it's time once again to get reminded and think and dwell on all the various aspects of bullying and feel absolutely horrible.

Look, the song already touched on that, but nothing was mentioned about "all those years" so I assumed and will continue to assume this would've happened only within the first year of Rudolph. I do not and never did agree with the liberties the Christmas special took with the plot, where Rudolph's father was Donner and how prejudiced he was against his own son, nor do I like the way Santa was made to act. It was totally out of character for one who is concerned with naughty VS. nice, with this kind of prejudice falling clearly down on the naughty side.

In my view, which I am sticking to, there were only 9 reindeer - Rudolph and the other eight named. But they aren't father and son, coach and pupil, they are all roughly around the same age, all young enough to engage in the childish bullying behaviour detailed in the song.

the reasons Santa wouldn't have known and put a stop to it would've been because he would've been focussing on the kids' niceness or naughtiness, with the idea that reindeer even having the potential for naughtiness let alone bullying probably not even dawning on him in the first place. So he wouldn't think to check things out there, and when he saw to the reindeer, they all would've made sure to be on their best behaviour around him.

That is the only way this whole thing makes any sense.

As for the rest of the reindeer suddenly loving Rudolph at the end, well, they are nothing but a bunch of wanna-be popular kids who wanted to look good and try to redeem themselves in Santa's eyes in case he ever found out what they'd been up to before then, they also wanted Rudolph's quick forgiveness so he wouldn't bring up their bad behaviour in the future, and they tried ingratiating themselves with this turn-around in the eyes of spectators like me.

It didn't work.

But who gets the brunt of the backlash over the reindeers' terrible behaviour?

Not them.


Naughty people just can't wait to dump it all on Santa, blaming him for the whole lot, and refusing to give him the benefit of any doubt. Because it feels cool and empowering to do that…

And it is so unoriginal.

I came across more stupid sites where people flamed Christmas songs as "bull s**t" and presented other *cough* alternate endings to the Rudolph story, including this tripe, where Rudolph lead Santa and the other reindeer into some sort of peril where they weren't likely to survive. Yeah, it's real cool trying to kill Santa because his reindeer had acted horribly without his knowledge, and it's cool to assume he actually knew about it all along and did nothing but encourage it so he deserves to be trashed.

To that, I say, go jump in a snow drift.

Whiny Rudolph: and now, with NO NOTICE whatsoever, no “Hey Rudoph, how’s it going, how’s that new Klondike strategy of yours coming along,”

Capri: Oh, seriously? No notice? Good gads! That's all he gets is attention! Out of all the reindeer at Christmas, Rudolph is the one who gets like 99.99999999999 of it while the others, deservedly so, get the remaining microbe's worth. And still this isn't enough? *Disgusted frown* Grow up!

Whiny Rudolph: and now you NEED me?

Capri: So…You finally get a chance to shine and it's just not enough, you want people licking your boots too. Humbug to that, go away! If Santa had done the idle chit-chat thing you'd probably get mad at him for that too, after all, it would've been just a strategy leading up to what you'd view as his master plan to just use you. Gah!

Whiny Rudolph: Wait, wait, let me guess — I’m supposed to say “Oh Santa, thank you so much for the opportunity, I’m so grateful for finally being included, and being useful to Your Great Rotundity,

Capri: *Scowl* Passive-aggressive out the dang wazoo! Oh, how I hate that! And, 'rotundity' For all your snivelling on about name-calling, you go and poke fun of Santa's weight, like some food-cop idiot and schoolyard bully? Let's add hypocrisy to your dirty laundry list. I do not like you! Go away and let's have the real Rudolph back!

Whiny Rudolph: I’m so honored!”

Capri: *Scowl* More passive-aggressive sarcastic drivel. Consider yourself lucky it's Santa and not me in that sleigh. *Growl*

Whiny Rudolph: Maybe you and the other reindeer should have THOUGHT ABOUT THAT while you were calling me Pinocchio for the past 18 years.

Capri: Oh gosh, you are pathological! First, Santa never called you or the real Rudolph names. Second, Rudolph couldn't have been eighteen before Santa caught on to his own reindeer being naughty with the bullying. Santa is not blind or deaf and he's not stupid. Third, Pinocchio? Really? Dude, get your facts straight! You're in such a headlong rush to get a great big honking huge sympathy grab plus ginormous pat on the back from the universe for this self-absorbed simpering tripe that you forgot Pinocchio's nose doesn't even light up, it grows, genius!

Whiny Rudolph: Maybe you should have THOUGHT ABOUT THAT while excluding me from every game of kick-ball and Parcheesi and Cards Against Caribou.

Capri: 'Maybe you should've' this, 'Maybe you should've' that, 'Maybe you should've' this, 'Maybe you should've' that. Oh, put a hoof in it! Santa didn't exclude anybody from games, only the other naughty reindeer did that, and Santa just never found out about it.

Whiny Rudolph: I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even like Parcheesi, but how would I even know?

Capri: Who gives a flying hot dart? Self-importance much?

Whiny Rudolph: So YEAH,

Capri: *Rolling eyes* "So yeah" Maybe you should've" "Oh damn, it's going to be like that" oh, shut it!

Whiny Rudolph: I think I’ll PASS on your “generous offer” of “upgrading” my reputation to “living foglight.”

Capri: Get lost while you're at it, I want the much classier, real Rudolph back. Your nose couldn't cut through fog anyway if you get compared with Pinocchio.

Whiny Rudolph: I’m sure everyone will LOVE me then, right?

Capri: Don't count on it, pally!

Whiny Rudolph: This is my big turn-around moment?

Capri: Big epic fail to impress.

Whiny Rudolph: I have better things to do with the next 24 hours than

Capri: Whoa-ho-ho,just make sure whoever you're talking to knows just how much more important you think you are. "I have better things to do" - Sure you do. Like writing nasty things to Santa that consist of insulting him plus a big song and dance about how everybody done ya wrong your whole awful life and how the universe owes you because of it. Better things to do such as - first trying to get me to feel sorry for you over your big bully-victim life saga, consisting of a few real things the reindeer did to Rudolph and some other made-up stuff you probably weren't expecting to get called on. After the initial sympathy jerk, you then hoped to get me cheering you on with "Rah rah, Rudolph! Good one! Great one! Best ever! You're such a hero for standing' up to all da bullies! You go get 'em! Sick 'em! Tell 'em off, you incredibly brave, clever, witty wonder!"

It hasn't worked. You've just accomplished the opposite with me.

Whiny Rudolph: taking sleet to the face while eight of my new “chums” stare at my ass

Capri: Would you rather get your arse whipped? You're coming very close! Watch the language!

Yes, I would've loved to see Santa find out about the bullying and send all reindeer responsible for it to work as beasts of burden or even used as a source of meat for people who eat reindeer, and have Santa get a fresh team. see, I'm not nice to the reindeer bullies either. But this pathetic twisted version of rudolph gets my contempt.

Whiny Rudolph: and sleigh bells shatter my eardrums.

Capri: Since when are sleigh bells comparable with jackhammers and rock concerts for loudness?

Not even being promoted to leader of the pack, sorry, herd, is good enough for you, it's just "gimme gimme gimme more more more attention and notice" gah!

Yes, I do interpret being promoted as head reindeer to guide the sleigh to mean being promoted as leader of the herd the rest of the time. And that means, the bullies have now been placed under Rudolph's direction, and must submit to him now. What he says, goes.

I consider that pretty fair play as long as that power doesn't go to his head and he starts demanding they do humiliating and injurious things to themselves for his gratification. Oh, wait, he probably wouldn't, but you just might.

Whiny Rudolph: P.S. Throwing the children in there was a low blow.

Capri: The children *are* what it's all about, you insufferable attention-glutting - ARGH! *Biting tongue*

Whiny Rudolph: That’s your problem.

Capri: Now *that* is the low blow, saying the children are Santa's problem, the children are a "problem" to you? Nice. That is *your* problem, among many other character flaws just going by this unbelievably condescending, passive-aggressive, glory-seeking thesis drenched in self-pity. *Scowl* Congratulations. You've actually got me near to disliking Rudolph, something I never thought I could be capable of.

One of the few comments this drivel got was just as nauseating.

Jeffrey Fry: Wow...

Capri: That could mean good, or gag-worthy, depending on which way this wowser leans, but I'm anticipating gagworthy.

Jeffrey Fry: finally someone nailed it!!!

Capri: Gagworthy… *Scowl* People have been "nailing it" for ages. This was kind of like saying "Finally, someone else just loves Hetalia, Pokemon, My Little Pony and creepy pasta!"

Jeffrey Fry: I know, let's abuse, tease, and ostracize this guy..and when the s hits the fan, lo and behold... we got a winner.

Capri: Oh, sure, the winner of the passive-aggressive, self-entitled, snotty, whiny, spoiled brat award!

Jeffrey Fry: Well, anyone with ANY self respect would have been long gone..

Capri: That would've been nice, what would've been better still is if the song detailed the other reindeer being punished when Santa found out about their abusive behaviour. Unfortunately, it wasn't written that way.

Jeffrey Fry: and sorry Santa...you are kind of an ass.

Capri: *Scowl* If you weren't such an arse yourself, you would've given him the benefit of the doubt and reached the same conclusion I did, where Santa was unaware there was all this naughty crud happening in the reindeer stable. You just copped out like everyone else.

Jeffrey Fry: BOTTOM LINE: If you have a talent, do NOT take the crap people give you in the hopes that one day you will be CHOSEN... Make your own future..and let them suffer theirs.

Capri: Talent has nothing to do with it. Who did you steal this *cough* inspirational quote from anyway? What it's saying is that if you have talent, don't let people walk all over you. But what if you don't know what your talent is? Should you let them walk all over you then? And since when is having a glowing nose considered a "talent"? And yes, sometimes you do have to be patient and wait for your opportunities, whether you are being bullied or not.

Alex McClafferty: Is this an inside joke?

Capri: Could be, but even most inside jokes manage to be slightly funnier.

Craig Stump Alex McClafferty: Do you know the lyrics to Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer?

Capri: Yes, from first to last line.

Alex McClafferty Craig Stump: Indeed.


"You no Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."

There are your guilty parties.

"But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?"

And still he's not satisfied.

"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows."

Nothing said about his nose growing like Pinocchio's.

"All of the other reindeer - used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph - join in any reindeer games."

Nothing was said about anyone else having known about this outrage.

"Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Nothing was said about Santa's having known about Rudolph's mistreatment, and Santa surely would've noticed his bright red nose before now, since he likely was planning on putting Rudolph on lead at some point, which is why this reindeer was acquired as an addition to the team in the first place. I know, the song doesn't mention that either, but it makes a whole lot more sense than Santa turning out to be a hypocritical arse.

"Then how the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee, "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history!"

Yeah, as I mentioned in the above, those shallow nitwits were just hoping to get a tiny bit of the glory and avoid being deservedly shafted. And for all Santa knew, they all got along before now.

I worked this all out when I was just a little girl and I'm sticking with it. You simply cannot have someone concerned with which kids are naughty VS which are nice, knowingly keeping bully reindeer in his operation.

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